October 2011
last night i had a dream my ex sam and i had sex. we were in the large, clean restroom of his motel room, and while his friends or fuck buddies or whatever chilled, in the room. i pulled him into the restroom and i guess i asked him about us. he didn’t respond right away so i said “alright. at least let me give you head.” and we proceeded to get naked and in the shower, which started overflowing.
i don’t know. i haven’t texted him since August, asking for the bracelet I gave him back. I haven’t had a real conversation with him since late July after my ex tried telling him all this shit. I guess I miss him. I haven’t thought about him at all because I’m afraid if I do, I’ll go crawling back to him.
He was a pretty great boyfriend. Sure, he lied to me about being in love with me, but he was great. He didn’t just want to fuck me, I went on my first date with him, he met my parents. I stopped purging when I was with him. He was good for me. But it’s over and it’s been over for almost three months and if I dwell on it too long, I’m get sad.
“You see, the religious people — most of them — really think this planet is an experiment. That’s what their beliefs come down to. Some god or other is always fixing and poking, messing around with tradesmen’s wives, giving tablets on mountains, commanding you to mutilate your children, telling people what words they can say and what words they can’t say, making people feel guilty about enjoying themselves, and like that. Why can’t the gods leave well enough alone? All this intervention speaks of incompetence. If God didn’t want Lot’s wife to look back, why didn’t he make her obedient, so she’d do what her husband told her? Or if he hadn’t made Lot such a shithead, maybe she would’ve listened to him more. If God is omnipotent and omniscient, why didn’t he start the universe out in the first place so it would come out the way he wants? Why’s he constantly repairing and complaining? No, there’s one thing the Bible makes clear: The biblical God is a sloppy manufacturer. He’s not good at design, he’s not good at execution. He’d be out of business if there was any competition.”
—Carl Sagan in “Contact” (via ageofreason)
